LonelyGirl

I finally reached my first mini goal and am feeling good.  I am about a third of the way through to where I want to eventually be.  I know I still have a ways to go, and I still live in perpetual fear that my old bad habits will creep back, but I want to savor this feeling of accomplishment so when I get the urge to binge eat I can remember that losing the weight feels so much better than those few fleeting moments of eating.

I stepped on the scale this morning after feeling like I had a good week overall (had someone comment that it looked like I had lost weight!) and I was shocked to see I had gained!  I hurt my foot so I haven’t been able to go to the gym, and I’ve been going out and drinking more, but I had been watching what I was eating and I thought I noticed a difference.  I feel so down on myself right now.  I know I just have to focus on heading forward, but I still can’t help feeling disappointed.  Normally in this situation I’d go reach for some food to make myself feel better, but not this time.  I still have 45 lbs I want to shed, and I still have the confidence I can do it.

I have been spending a lot of time with a coworker of mine, and he has become not only a dear friend but a romantic infatuation.  He is breathtakingly handsome, charming, and with all honesty one of the nicest guys I have ever met.  Of course he spends a lot of time at the gym, has a PERFECT body, and has a track record for tall, blond, and skinny women (I only fall under the woman part of that category).  I am leaving the company and going on to a better job, starting next week, and although our friendship has always been extremely flirty, it definitely went up a notch in intimacy this past week.  We went out for drinks consecutive nights, and I definitely got a vibe that he was into me romantically but kept putting that idea out of my head because he is completely out of my league.  Last night he came over to my apartment and we watched a movie, and afterward while we were in the middle of talking, he suddenly grabbed me and kissed me.  I kissed back, but soon pulled away, telling him our friendship was too important to me to ruin.  In my head all I could think of is once he feels all my fat he’ll run away disgusted.  I instead led him to believe I only liked him as a friend.  It was so heartbreaking that after months and months of lusting over this wonderful man, my insecurities handicapped me to the point where I missed out on enjoying my life.

I have been avoiding the scale, the gym, and this site.  I am utterly disappointed in myself, but have finally garnered the courage to do all three and am beginning to get back a sense of hope I had lost. 

Last week my grandmother died, and I returned home for the first time in quite a while.  My grieving took an additional toll as I dealt with extreme guilt for feeling so ashamed of friends and family seeing me with so much extra weight.  I never want to feel like that again. 

I hope that this time I can actually stick to exercising and avoid binge eating, that I can get to a point where I am not ashamed of my appearance and be happy with who I am.

The past two years of my life have been marked by depression and loneliness, which have been both the byproduct and the cause of my excruciating battle of yo-yo dieting. From as early as I can remember I’ve been self-conscious of my weight, never feeling comfortable in my body. It saddens me to think of the countless times I’ve spent fretting over my appearance in a bathing suit, being naked in front of a guy, or even just deciding what to wear on any given day.

Anxiety over my appearance has deepened exponentially since I graduated college two years ago and gained more weight than I ever have before. I am so ashamed of the way I look that I have retreated into myself, making up excuses to avoid going out with friends, abstaining from romantic relationships, and canceling trips to see my family.

I am tired of feeling so helpless and lonely, especially since I know it is all of my own doing. I want to start with a clean slate and change my life, including reaching a healthy weight. I decided to join this site and begin writing down my thoughts so I can be held accountable for my decisions and receive the motivation I need to accomplish my goals. It has been very encouraging to read what other people have written, giving me hope that I am not alone in my struggles as I sometimes feel and that success is not as futile as it can seem.